I Am Not My Hair

Ever heard that song? “I am not my hair, I am not my skin, I am not your expectations nooo.” No? Oh well. There’s a song to that effect. It’s by India Arie and it’s been playing in my head all week. Mainly because I twisted my hair this week and I hated it. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love my hair. But I certainly hate how I look in these twists. I’ve never really liked them actually and I used to vow never to do them because I always felt they made me look like a scruffy puppy or something along those lines.

One day though, I decided to give it a try because I thought maybe I was overthinking it. But alas my suspicions were confirmed; I looked exactly how I pictured I would look, scruffy and raggedy and lost (I speak for myself please, no disrespect to my natural hair sisters who rock the natural hair twist hairstyle, I actually love how it looks on other people), at least in my eyes. But then I got a compliment or two about how great I looked and then I didn’t feel so insecure and not good-looking anymore. I had found my confidence in other people’s opinions/approval/compliments about my hair.

After that, I did the hairstyle a few more times; mostly because of convenience and the kind of compliments I received when I did the hairstyle (because I mean even if I don’t look good to myself at least I look good to others right?) but the honest truth is I never really did like it.

So fast forward to this past week when I resorted to doing these twists again and I started having great hopes (as usual) that it won’t look as bad as I always anticipate. I was doing jumbo twists this time and I looove jumbo twists (though apparently micro twists look better 🤔) so I figured it was a shoo-in. But surprise surprise, by the time I was done with the twists I just wanted to take them out. But for the fact that it would have been a waste of my time and money and hair (because sis was really working on my roots at that salon 😩) I probably would have taken them out. All week, I was mildly depressed because I felt like I looked so frumpy. I got a compliment or two, but it did nothing to make myself look any better in my mind’s eye. I have a friend who especially loves when I do these twists and so when push came to shove I’d remind myself that at least he thought I looked good in them so that counts for something. Ha.

All week, I was mildly depressed because I felt like I looked so frumpy. I got a compliment or two, but it did nothing to make myself look any better in my mind’s eye.

One day this week, while I was in ‘ugly duckling’ mode, this song started playing in my head (and before you judge me about why it wasn’t a verse, may I announce to you that God speaks to us in different ways guys 😩). At first I just let it play. But then, the first line of the chorus kept playing over and over. And then I started to really think about it. What did India mean when she said that? Because obviously she’s not her hair because hair strands don’t sing 🤦🏾‍♀️ and neither do other inanimate objects for that matter such as ‘skin’ and ‘expectations’. But as I considered it, I realised that she’s right.

We often times find our identity in the things that the world uses to define us; cars, clothes, houses, jobs, family backgrounds, skin colour, tribe etc. But the truth is, we are NONE of those things. If we’re going to make progress in life and build an unwavering kind of confidence in God, we need to come to the point where we understand that our identity is founded on a Rock that does not move or change in the different seasons and times. I cannot over-emphasise this enough, you are who God says you are!! And that fact doesn’t change. It withstands the test of time despite the weather, season, hairstyle or skin break out.

If we’re going to make progress in life and build an unwavering kind of confidence in God, we need to come to the point where we understand that our identity is founded on a Rock that does not move or change in the different seasons and times. 

I am beautiful not because a hairstyle I do really suits me or that dress makes my skin colour pop. I am beautiful because God says I am. Because my beauty is inherent. I mean yes they say a woman’s glory is her hair but then what does that suggest about my bald sisters out there? That they aren’t glorious enough? (I am secretly living through these people I’ve actually wanted to get a haircut for the longest time). Of course not! We are all filled with glory and splendor because we are His.

I am beautiful not because a hairstyle I do really suits me or that dress makes my skin colour pop. I am beautiful because God says I am.

Whether or not I have dreads or a chicken perm wouldn’t change my personality or character or heart or who I am in Him, which is what true beauty is about. I mean don’t get me wrong; by all means look good and feel good! But don’t let it be on account of fleeting things like how long your hair is or how shiny it is that you draw your confidence about your looks. I am striving to get to a place in my life where I fully recognise that no matter how bad I think I look in a hairstyle or no matter how few compliments I get about something, I am beautiful regardless. Because God says so.

I pray that everyone will also get to that place of understanding in their lives where they fully believe and acknowledge that the legitimacy of their beauty is in how wonderfully God has made them and what He says about them; not what the world says. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Next time you’re feeling like an ugly duckling, just echo the words of cousin David and say to God:

“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”

-Psalms 139:14 NLT

I AM NOT MY HAIR. And neither are you! 😊

Repost: The Lighthouse

eve-olving.com/2017/03/20/the-lighthouse/

1 + 1 = 1

No don’t panic just yet, my math isn’t that bad. In this context the ‘ones’ all represent something. The full equation is 1(me/you) +1(the One) = 1(whole).

You know how people always say things like “I’m looking for my other half” and “you complete me“? Well that’s an inaccurate claim to make. Contrary to what you might believe, you don’t need anyone else to complete you. You are already complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:10). Too often, people are under the notion that all they need is their life partner to complete them. “Waiting for Mr. Right” they say. “I’m set all I need is a woman to complete me“. How wrong we’ve been. You see, a relationship or marriage entered into with ‘halfs’ will be just that; a half-and-half relationship; not a complete one.

And no I’m not just speaking in a vacuum, for anyone thinking ‘pfft what does she know’. I learned this the hard way. I was single for a long time and I was convinced at the time that I was perfect (in the loose sense of the word) and would be an amazing girlfriend. Wife material 99-and-a-half yards (the remainder half represented all my flaws 😂). All that was left was for my Mr. Right to come along.

At the time I had frequent mood swings, so many insecurities, trust and commitment issues, comparison and validation syndrome, just to name a few. I was convinced that whoever it is I would end up with would love me for me and if they were willing to put up with all my baggage, then they must certainly be the one that God made for me.

And then came along the proverbial answer to my prayer, who seemed to meet the one and only yardstick I had set : ‘a God fearing man who accepts me for who I am and is willing to put up with my mess’.

Boy was I wrong. Don’t get me wrong, he did his best I believe, considering that I was a whole headache and backache to deal with and then some. But I quickly realised that contrary to what I believed, what I had been waiting for didn’t do what I believed it would do.

Being in a relationship didn’t make me feel any better, let the problems disappear, or make me feel complete like I strongly believed it would. If anything, it made it worse. It only highlighted all the more, the issues I had with myself that I hadn’t dealt with. I was unhappy inside and so confused about why I felt that way. I mean I finally found someone who loves me for me; the perfect antidote. So why do I still feel like this?

And then one day, in one of my low moments, I went to God confused and full of questions. He told me something profound which has stuck with me till date. He said ‘you can’t expect your partner to do what only God can do for you’.

And then I realised. It was only God who could heal me. Only God who can help me sort my emotions out and get a handle of them. Only God who can help me love myself. No amount of love from someone else will fill that hole inside you if you don’t accept God’s love for you and learn to love yourself. If you don’t deal with these things while you’re in your season of singleness, it’ll rear its ugly head when you’re in a relationship and cause all sorts of problems that could be avoided. You’d catch yourself thinking ‘my partner doesn’t make me happy’ when all along, it’s you who’s not happy within.

You can’t expect your partner to do what only God can do for you. No amount of love from someone else will fill that hole inside you if you don’t accept God’s love for you and learn to love yourself.

It may be true that you’re better together, but for that to happen, you must be good ‘alone’. Alone with God. The only way you can come to that point is in Christ. It’s in immersing yourself in working on a relationship with God and going on a journey of self-discovery with Him.

I know that I’m still not ready for a relationship but I certainly have grown since my last one. I’ve learned things about myself I didn’t know before and couldn’t have found out while being distracted by a relationship. I know and love myself way better than before and am learning to understand that my true source of joy, contentment, peace and love comes from God (1 Chronicles 16:27). My partner can only add to it.

Your partner is your help-meet, your purpose and life partner, but he/she won’t complete you. Only God will.

It may be true that you’re better together, but for that to happen, you must be okay with being ‘alone’. And no, alone does not equal lonely.

It is so important for every person in their season of singleness to utilise this time to the fullest and use it to get to know GOD first, and then get to know themselves.

Having an intimate relationship with God makes it easier to have an intimate relationship with yourself. It helps you to know and love yourself better. You can’t expect someone to love you fully when you don’t even love yourself. The danger of not working on yourself, not learning to accept yourself for who you are and not growing in every area of your life is, you’re going to enter the relationship with all that baggage, all those unaddressed insecurities, all those attitude problems.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you have to be a 100% perfect before you enter into a relationship. That’s almost impossible because we grow and evolve everyday. But it is pertinent to spend time figuring yourself out and the only way you can do that successfully is with God.

You may think you know yourself well enough but do you really? Can you answer some basic questions about yourself?

What makes you tick?

Why do you get angry so easily?

Are you really comfortable in your own skin?

What do you absolutely love to do in your spare time?

What are your passions?

Are you content in your own presence (okay being alone sometimes)?

All of these are examples of questions that you need to address if you’re going to have a successful relationship.

You may think you know yourself well enough but do you really? Your partner is meant to complement you, not complete you!

I pray that we all come to a point in our lives where we realise that our joy doesn’t come from any other man/woman. Neither should our peace or love for self. Your partner is meant to complement you, not complete you.

So instead of sitting on your hands waiting for your knight in shining armour to come and rescue you from yourself, why not take this time to get into a relationship with God and with yourself? It’s one of the best investments you’ll ever make.

Stepping out of the shadows

I must admit, I’m afraid. So afraid. I’m afraid of coming under the scrutiny of the public eye. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid that this blog, upon the revelation of my identity, might become centred on me instead of Christ-centred. I’m afraid of what people might say or think. So many fears.

I’m afraid of failing.

But embracing my identity in every sense of the word is something God is teaching me how to do even as He uses me to reach out to others about it. Because what kind of person would I be if I don’t practice what I preach? I need to come to the point where I realise that my boldness, strength and confidence lie in my Maker and not in superficial things like ‘being in the limelight’.

I’m learning that it’s okay to step out from behind the curtain, especially when you have God backing you. It’s okay to own and embrace your identity and not worry so much about what people might think or do or say. It’s okay to feel vulnerable and go to ABBA Father and say ‘Daddy, I’m scared, guide me through as I step out.’ And then trust that He will. (Joshua 1:9)

It’s okay to be vulnerable and go to God and ask for help.

I’m actually thankful for this milestone in my life because it makes me even more accountable. Now people know who’s administrating this blog, people will expect more of me as a person, and if it wasn’t already obvious before, it’s undeniable now that I am an ambassador for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20) and I cannot take that for granted. My words, actions, and lifestyle are about to become a Bible to many more souls than before and tough as it may be, I’m ready for God to use me in whatever manner He pleases. After all, He did warn us that in order to follow Him, we must deny ourselves and take up our cross (Matthew16:24). I pray for strength to carry this cross in Jesus’ name.

It is undeniable that I am an ambassador for Christ.

May the spirit of fear that is paralysing you from taking whatever bold step you want to take be broken in the mighty name of Jesus. Walk in the truth that the spirit of fear or timidity is not of God and rest assured that God is behind, beside and ahead of you every step of the way.

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.”

-Jeremiah 17:7 (NLT)