It felt really amazing for me to be able to let my guard down for a change. To be able to trust fully and laugh without abandon, not second guessing as much or being encumbered with the burden of paranoia. It felt amazing to have someone I could consider as my best friend. Someone I could tell everything to and not worry about who else might hear about it, someone I could halve my problems with, someone I could confide in. So exhilarating. I felt like being untrusting was actually a burden I had been carrying around and I didn’t realise it until I finally began to trust and it felt like a weight was literally being lifted off my chest. Like I had been waiting for that moment to laugh freely and just breathe. The moment when I could actually be down-to-my-toes happy. I felt so light, so free, so secure. It was an amazing feeling.
But it didn’t last.
Slowly, without noticing, the burden returned. The paranoia gradually creeped its way back in. After all, humans are only too capable of being just that; humans. The arguments became more frequent, the lies more recurring. I was still fairly happy because I still had the freedom of being able to trust someone. Or so I thought. Soon, I was back to square one. Unhappy, full of doubt, less trusting. I don’t even know how it got there. I guess I got a little too complacent, forgetting we were only human. I placed too much confidence and trust in flesh when in actual fact, I should have been placing that confidence in The Immortal One.
The arm of flesh will certainly fail you. It was a severe case of misplaced trust. It’s as though I had been suspending through life waiting eagerly to release myself so that someone could catch me. And when I finally thought I had found that one, I let go, and I fell. Oh I got caught alright. Except I wasn’t held on to. At least not for long. And understandably so, because me and all my baggage, we were too heavy a load to be carried by human arms.
But why was I so surprised? Because really, you can’t expect a human being to do for you what only God can do for you. How selfish it was of me to burden another human with my expectations. Expectation of them to fix me emotionally and carry my burdens for me. To deal with my erratic mood-swings like a trooper and put up with my paranoia.
I don’t regret that feeling I had. That feeling that I could fly, that I could jump and be caught, that feeling like I was floating on clouds. It was amazing while it lasted. And despite everything, I’m thankful. I’m thankful because now I know it’s possible to feel that way, and I also know that I have no business allowing another human to make me feel that way when I don’t even feel that way with God. My relationship with God is a priority, as well it should be. If I can’t sort things out with Him, if I can’t commit to Him, if I can’t learn to trust Him enough to let myself go and be assured that He’ll catch me, then how can I possibly do that with one of His creation, His child, mere flesh? He IS the source of all the good things we seek; love, trust, peace, you name it. True happiness, what trustworthiness really means, immense peace and joy all rest with Him. My Lover My Lord My King.
And now in hindsight, I know why that burden returned.
Because it wasn’t man’s mandate to take it off me in the first place. That capability lies only in God. Looking back, I can say that I know that that amazing feeling I felt was just a tip of the iceberg; proof that such a feeling is possible, but until I learn to fall in love with My Maker and truly experience that feeling genuinely, I have two options; either settle for the counterfeit version of it, or sit patiently at the feet of My Maker and allow Him to teach me what it truly means to love and trust.
At the risk of sounding cliché, this post was birthed out of the realisation that the main reason why we often times get disappointed by humans is that we place too much expectation on them. We expect them to do for us what only God can do for us.
You may meet someone who loves you, but the reality of the matter is that until you consciously work on yourself and allow God to fix your issues and heal your hurts, this person will never be enough for you.
They’ll give off their best to you and you’d still not be happy. Their efforts won’t satisfy you, their love won’t fix you. Because we all have an inherent void that only GOD can fill. I learnt that the hard way.
Do yourself and your loved ones a favour and lay your burdens at God’s feet and not on their shoulders. You’ll only ever fully be capable of giving and receiving love from others if you first experience what it really is from God, who Himself is Love.
So if you’re single, don’t rush. Use your time wisely; work on becoming the person kind of person you want to be with.
If you’re in a relationship/married, please always remember that until God is enough for you, no one else will ever be. Please don’t burden your partner with the expectations of doing for you what only God can for you.
MORE: DISCOVERING OUR IDENTITY IN CHRIST 