Fight Another Day

‘We’re sorry to inform you that…’ She zoned out as tears immediately sprung to her eyes, blurring the rest of the words. Another rejection.

This was the umpteenth rejection she’d received in the past month and frankly, she was sick of it. She shut her eyes and heaved a deep sigh as her lips trembled.

“How much longer Lord ? How long am I going to keep being disappointed for ? Every time I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakthrough and I dare to feel hope again, another disappointment slaps me in the face.” she thought to herself.

“I’m tired Lord. I’m so tired” she whispered as her quiet tears turned into guttural sobs. She just didn’t get it. What was God up to? Lately (for a few years now really), it seemed like none of her prayers were being answered and good news was evading her. She hated to seem ungrateful and her sadness made her feel guilty because truly, God had been so good to her. And she was trying to have a positive attitude and keep the faith. But it was really difficult to do that, especially as she felt like she was in a season where nothing at all seemed to be working out.

No job, no car, no kids like she’d dreamed she’d have at that age, and her rent was due in a few weeks… Her sobs got louder as she remembered the texts Kwasi had sent her last week. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve met someone. Thanks for everything, God bless you.’ they’d read. God bless you ?? Really???? Ugh, she could scream. She wished she could curse his inconsiderate cheating self, but she was trying to do right by God and let it go.

She couldn’t deny that it hurt though. It hurt so much. Everything hurt so much these days.

“God. Are you there? Do you even care?”

Be still and know that I am God.* The verse popped into her head almost immediately.

“I’m trying Lord, but how long am I meant to be still for? What’s going on here?”

*Silence*

Her mind wandered to the comment her mother had passed a few days ago. “Ei Akosua, church again ? Everyday you’re going to church but we’re not seeing the benefits. Osofo Maame Ako! Always praying and fasting, look how lean you’ve become. How will you get a husband and give me some grand babies ? Or you’re praying about that one too?”

She’d just smiled and shook her head lightly, biting back her words. In reality her mum’s words had cut deep. But she was tired of having the same argument over and over. She knew that’s what she seemed like; a lazy, lonely unambitious Christian using God as an excuse to not get her life together. Her recent weight loss didn’t help at all. Now, not only was she unemployed, she looked underfed too.

A fresh wave of tears enveloped her as she pondered on what had become of her life.

Fear not. I am with you always. Even till the end of age.* she heard in her mind again, quieter this time.

She wiped her tears with the back of her hands as she ruminated over the words. She knew she shouldn’t worry or be afraid. It was just so difficult sometimes.

She let out another laboured sigh. “Okay God.” she muttered reluctantly. “I trust You. It’s painful and I’m tired and I feel forgotten and left behind, but I still trust you Lord. Please carry me and be the strength of my heart, because I’m tired and I’m ready to give up.”

She got on her knees, put some Dunsin Oyekan on and launched feebly into a time of worship. Before long she was fully immersed in it and felt a fresh renewal wash over her.

Each day she was tempted to just throw in the towel and let her emotions take over. But each day she also resolved albeit weakly sometimes, that as long as God remains on the throne, she’d live to fight another day.

*Psalm 46:10

*Matthew 28:20

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This one’s for anyone who is in a place where they feel stagnant, like their prayers are going unheard and unanswered and like God has forgotten them. He hasn’t. And I know it seems very much like He had and it’s difficult to convince yourself of otherwise sometimes. But please hold on. At the right time, God will make it happen for you, in ways so much better than you’d ever imagined. May God encourage your faith and strengthen you in times of weakness and despair. In Jesus’ mighty name. Amen.