Until Then, Ellipses

Part 4

I haven’t even began to talk about my hip dips yet. I almost don’t want to, because I feel like at this point, I’m just glorifying my self-image issues. It’s funny how I’ve probably had these dips for YEARS but only just noticed a few weeks ago, after I had a conversation with my friend and she said ‘almost everybody has hip dips.’ That’s right, she adjusted my hip dip spectacles and then it’s like all of a sudden I could see them !

Now before you finish, I know what you’re thinking, ‘it’s probably in your head’, but no guys, I checked. Every single time I took a shower or dressed up, I checked. As if by some divine intervention they’d no longer be there. But nope, each time I checked, there they were. Dipping to the glory of the Lord lol.

‘But Adoma, why is this a big deal, isn’t it enough that you’re shapely?’ you’re probably thinking.

Well anon, first of all, I actually don’t consider myself as THAT shapely, I mean I’m not straight as a ruler, but I’m not all that well-proportioned in my opinion. Yes guys, it’s MY opinion, and MY image of myself, so if you see otherwise, please pause and say a prayer for this girl, that God will adjust her lens and give her the grace to be content with her lot, amen 🙏🏽 (I could preach a whole sermon on trivialising people’s issues just because you don’t see them that way, but I’d be digressing.)

Yes, where was I ? Ahh yes. Second of all anon, I don’t care how shapely I appear, I don’t want hip dips 😂 No one wants hip dips! Like if you’re gonna be curvy can you at least curve right? What are those bumps/dents mid-curve ?????

But I can’t shout too loud anyway, because I’m not even consistent enough to do the exercises that will apparently help them go away. I’m so wishy-washy with it; On fire and ready to break several sweats today, couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed tomorrow. Sigh.

You know what I suspect though? I suspect that the real problem here is my lens, aka how I see myself which has a direct correlation with the kind of relationship I have with God and myself. I need to fix my body image glasses. That’s the real problem. Because once they stay broken, I’m bound to find another problem to obsess over. And frankly I’m tired of it all.

Can we speed up this process already God? Can you please just snap your fingers and make me whole again? No? I actually have to do the work? Right. Great. Thanks God 🙂

I guess I’ll just have to be patient and take it one day at a time.

But until then, ellipses.

Until Then, Ellipses

Part 3

At this point, if someone handed me a pair of hair shears and asked me to do the deed, I wouldn’t in the least bit pause in hesitance…Okay, mild exaggeration, I’d probably bat an eyelid, heck even two eyelids before even attempting it. I mean they say hair is a girl’s glory, and this girl has a small head and diminishing glory if you know what I mean.

I caught myself staring in the mirror again this morning. I was just standing in the bathroom, staring into the mirror. I kept picturing myself as a baldie, wondering if I was better off with chopped hair because maybe it’d be less visible or if it was only this visible because I hadn’t permed my undergrowth. (The issue which shall not be named that is)

I knew I stood the risk of falling into a deep state of mild depression if I got the haircut and hated it. But maybe, that was what was silently egging me on; I didn’t like that something as ‘temporary’ as hair had that much clout over my emotions.

I wanted to be stripped of everything that I leaned on as a crutch to prop up my self-image and offered me pseudo-confidence, and if that had to be literal then so be it. I mean if I’m going to love myself I might as well learn to love myself without any of the extra stuff right? (Ha! ‘Extra stuff’ as if that’s all hair is. But you get my point.)

Right. I figure that if I can learn to love myself and how I look in all the different phases, I’d have a better chance of loving myself well, regardless of how I looked or felt or what I wore or didn’t wear.

I think this calls for a big chop. A professional* big chop, because yes I do want to be stripped off whatever is giving me pseudo-confidence but no I don’t want to look like a rat ate at my scalp 😔

I’ll call my hairdresser in a few minutes. I wonder how this will go. I guess I’d have to wait to find out.

But until then, ellipses.