The epiphany

Dear God,

Thank you for this epiphany I just had.

I feel so ashamed of myself. You’ve been teaching me about gratitude and in the months leading up to me completing my final year You made sure to teach me a very valuable lesson which is that whatever happens, my main concern should be that Your glory should be revealed through me. And so that became the focus of my prayers. I stopped begging for a first or upper and just genuinely asked You to align my heart to desire Your will, and to be okay with the fact that Your will for me may not be my definition of success.

And so I came to terms with it. Prepped my mind for the eventuality that I would get a lower or a third, and/or not pass the professional law entrance exams. Soon I was there mentality. I was filled with joy, contentment and a raving desire to just be a vessel for your glory. Every time panic started to well up in my chest I’d remind myself that Your ways and thoughts are far above mine (Isaiah 55:11). And so I was good. Then the entrance exam results came and I made it. Honestly I was surprised. I had psyched up my mind to not get in this year so much it had become an expectation. Before, I was praying that ‘Lord, even if I don’t do well, please let me get into law school to soften the blow. That way nobody would notice that I didn’t do so well.’ Then I started praying that ‘Lord, please let me get an upper or first so that if I don’t get into law school, I won’t feel bad because everybody will know I’m smart anyway and my parents won’t be as disappointed’.

But the way it happened Lord, there was no doubt that it was all You. It was because of YOU that I got in, I couldn’t even pretend to try and take even a little of the glory. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. But the gratitude metamorphosed into greed. I started thinking Lord, You’ve done it for me, do it again. What better victory than to get an upper AND get into law school. But of course I didn’t really say it out loud because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful to You Lord. After everything You’ve done for me.

When I finally got my FGPA and I saw it, my heart dropped. And I was ashamed that that was my instant reaction. My lips were saying thank You but my heart was asking ‘why Lord?’ I kept thinking about how close I was to getting an upper, how disappointed my parents may be, what people might say etc. I made lower jokes before anybody could make them just so I wouldn’t feel bad. Knowing deep down in the back of my head that each time I made a joke, I was doing anything but glorifying You which is what I promised to do regardless of what happened. It’s so funny how easy it is to sing Your praises in the good times and forget all of a sudden in the not-so-good times.

I resolved to do better, but I had conditioned my mind and so the jokes would slip out before I could catch myself. I don’t even think You and I have had a proper conversation about this. My feelings were a cocktail of shame and disappointment. I battled with disappointment and fear of not getting into a good school for masters because all the ones I wanted to get into required a 2:1(upper). I would sleep and wake up feeling this dread. One day I woke up, calculated my GPA hoping someway somehow that there was some kind of mistake. My calculations reminded me that I should be on my knees thanking God for this miracle, not crying with ingratitude because I wanted better.

God I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t stick to my word. I’m sorry I threw back everything You did for me in Your face. I’m more than grateful for everything You’ve done for me and I know FIRST HAND that nothing I have, or achieve is by my doing. It’s all been you from the very start, and so I had no business worrying what people would think or how my future would turn out. I believe You when You say that You have plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a bright future. And I am so so honoured and thankful to You, throughout the failures AND the successes. I know that one day, when I get to Your desired end for my life, this will be a wonderful story to tell. I’m sorry that it took Nikki telling me her testimony about her GPA to realise how foolish I’ve been. I’m sorry I didn’t feel worthy enough to even get a sash or customised cap because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry I was too embarrassed to tell my friends and family to come and celebrate with me. I’m so sorry for acting less than I am and allowing myself to be defined by my grade. Forgive me.

I am so thankful for this stepping stone and what you’re going to use it to do in my life. I’m thankful for Nikki’s life and my uncle Alex, using them to speak wisdom back into my life. Thank You for Your never-ending grace and mercies. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve You.

Love,

a proud second class lower division LLB Hons degree holder.