Dear Diary.

Dear Diary,

I woke up today and there was no fear or apprehension. Instead, I felt something almost akin to peace. Even more strange, I felt a tinge of cheerfulness. It felt so weird and wrong.

Why?

Because for the past week my internal reality has been a melange of so many negative emotions. Anxiety, fear, apprehension, confusion, loneliness, condemnation and worthlessness to name a few.

Nothing dramatic happened externally no. But inside ? It was an actual storm. For days in a row, throughout the days, that was how I felt inside. You may or may not be able to relate, but when your mind is in such a state, even little things can trigger you. It’s like a jenga tower balancing precariously and one gentle tap just brings all the bricks tumbling down.

That’s what this week was like for me. I’d rather not go into the details of the why or what caused this state of mind but I do know that it was such a horrible feeling. It can leave you feeling so defeated, confused and helpless. Like you’re at the mercy of your mind and emotions. Like you’re too weak and always prone to these meltdowns. Like maybe your experience isn’t real and you’re just self-aggrandising.

Can you imagine feeling everything you’re feeling PLUS battling these thoughts about whether you’re even allowed to feel that way or if it’s even real? Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Like it’s all too much.

And to come to a point where feeling a glimpse of the peace I’ve been chasing seems weird ? Like it’s the anomaly rather than the norm? That’s a new low. For me.

I’ve been told before that I complain too much and that I’m absorbed in self-pity and that if I keep it up, people will get tired of me and no one will want to be around me anymore. Maybe it’s true. I personally believe it’s true. And as someone who internalises, that realisation surely is something that can shut you up even more. The person that said it to me, said it in love. And I took it in my stride, but now I find myself constantly stopping myself in my tracks from speaking up or getting help from anyone else or sharing my experiences because I feel like it happens way too often and God forbid that I’ll become so self-absorbed to the point of driving my loved ones away.

So I’m stuck in some unhealthy cycle where I feel like my mind is attacking me and I don’t have the license to look outward for help so I look within.

I pray for healing. I pray that God will heal my mind and give me the grace to overcome these mental battles. I pray that the peace that I crave will come to me and that I’ll be capable of accepting it. That I’ll be liberated from these shackles and live a victorious and undefeated life. I pray for the wisdom to navigate all the deep emotions I feel to God’s glory.

I know that this stuff is beyond just praying, but honestly, that’s the only thing I feel like I’m capable of doing right now.

Love, Domsie.