You Stupid Girl

You stupid girl.

You waited idly in the parking lot, lingering in his neighbourhood hoping, waiting patiently for the magic words ‘where you at’ so you could casually say ‘around, getting something from a mart nearby’ or something equally unassuming. You know, suggestive but not too desperate. Baiting him, hoping he’d bite and ask if you wanna meet up so you can ‘play it cool’ and say ‘uh yea sure ok’ like you’re reluctant, when deep down you’re besides yourself with elation.

You stupid girl. You know what he just said wasn’t funny, but you laugh extra hard anyway. You agree with everything he says, even the dumb stuff that doesn’t really make sense. You know he’s taking you for granted, and his lack of effort incenses you, but you still stick around anyway because you’re subconsciously yearning for his approval.

You tell yourself a million times that you don’t care and that it’s the last time you’re putting up with his crap, but you know deep down that it’s not true, and that the very next time he texts you asking to hang, your heart will still flutter. You’ll still drop everything in a heartbeat and make yourself available.

You scroll endlessly through his Instagram, shuffling between staring at the only picture he’s posted and trying to glean any information that might be relevant. You stalk the profiles and the girls he’s shown interest in, comparing yourself to those girls, wondering what it is they have that you don’t. Scratch that, you know exactly what it is they have that you don’t have and it frustrates you endlessly.

You refresh your chats a thousand times, convincing yourself that ‘network’ is the reason his text hasn’t come through. You think up flimsy excuses to call him when in reality, you just want to talk to him; to hear his voice.

He leaves you on read for two weeks and you vow that it’s the last time you’ll bother to give him the time of day or allow him to ‘take you fi idiot.’ And yet, a simple ‘hey x’ unravels you and chucks your resolve out the window.

You stupid girl.

When will you realise, that you are more than enough? That you don’t need his validation or anybody else’s for that matter? That comparison is the thief of joy and that if you have to work this hard to get his attention then he isn’t worth yours at all?

When will you realise that you deserve so much more than this? That you are imperfectly perfect the way you are and that someone somewhere will appreciate you and all your splendour for exactly what it is?

When will you learn?

When?

*1 new text message from 😍🤤👅💦*

‘hey. wya ?’

I guess not today.

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This is a piece a hypothetical girl wrote to herself about her struggle with seeking validation and craving the attention in a place she’s least likely to find it. She berates herself almost to the point of self-loathing and gives herself a reality check because deep down she knows better, but following through isn’t as easy. She calls herself stupid because she’s frustrated with herself, almost annoyed, but can’t really help the cycle she’s stuck in.

It’s representative of a struggle many of us face with craving the validation of other people to the extent that it almost cripples us and dictates our actions to us. It’s like this dark, addictive hole that sucks us in, a voice that drowns out the voice of common sense that tells us to give up, move on, and stop caring so much what other people think, ESPECIALLY those who don’t really care about us.

I don’t know if you can relate, but I certainly can. It’s so easy to push our self-respect to the curb and do and say whatever we need to just to get that attention we desire. It’s unhealthy but it’s addictive, and when we finally get it, gives us a high that though temporary, makes it seem worth it.

To anyone who might actually relate to any of this, you are not stupid. You’re normal. We all crave validation in some way, shape or form. It’s enough that you’ve identified this unhealthy need, but please go easy on yourself. These things take baby steps to break out of, and being frustrated with yourself, even sometimes to a point of disgust/name-calling etc. will only make you feel more defeated.

I pray for liberation for myself and for whoever else this piece might resonate with, that we’ll come to a place of contentment in God’s and in ourselves, to the extent that we no longer crave anybody else’s validation to feel worthy enough.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

PS. This was written in a girl’s voice, because I’m a girl and only write based on what I know. It is not in anyway meant to sideline boys or suggest that validation issues are peculiar to girls only. The prayer is universal and applies to all. 🙏🏽❤️