Are you really God?

I’m sure that we’ve all at one point or another asked ourselves/God this question.

‘Are you really God?’

‘If you’re really God then how come good people die daily and evil prospers ?’

‘How come you sit back and watch your children enter into marriages you know are headed for doom and say and do nothing about it ?’

‘Why do you hear us pray fervently to you in times of danger and return our words with seemingly nonchalant silence ?‘

These are certainly questions that I have sometimes. Very valid questions I might add.

It took me a lot of willpower and grace to accept that I may never find the answers to these questions that I have. For someone who’s very analytical and likes to understand the logic behind things, that’s a very hard pill to swallow.

When I had my heart broken, my first reaction (after the initial feeling of hurt and betrayal) was anger at God. I was so mad. ‘How could you sit back and let this happen to someone you claim you love?’ ‘Why didn’t you give me a heads up ? ‘Why didn’t you forcefully remove me from the situation??’

– *scoffs* as if I’d have allowed myself to be removed. If we’re going to be completely honest, I was head over heels, and nothing He’d said would’ve changed my mind anyway.-

But still ! ‘You’re Sovereign Lord why didn’t you protect me??‘ That was my train of thought.

When my baby sister died, I was angry with God for YEARS. So angry. ‘Why would you give me someone I didn’t even really want in the first place only to take her away from me ??’ ‘Why wait for me to grow to love the child and anticipate her coming when you KNEW that she wasn’t coming to stay?’ ‘ Why???’

So many whys I don’t have answers to till date. So many things I’ll never understand. What I do know now is this though; that no matter what, God is not the enemy. And He does love us, contrary to what it may look or seem like. It is unfair, double-minded even, to throw all the good things He’s done and is doing back in His face just because our small minds can’t comprehend His divine plans.

Now I don’t know everything, evidently and the truth of the matter is I probably never will. But thinking about it now, isn’t that the whole point? Doesn’t my willingness to surrender my myopic mind to a Sovereign omniscient being suggest that I’m OKAY with Him knowing it all and me knowing next to nothing at all ? That I will trust Him even when I can’t see because I thought His vision worthy enough to be my lighthouse in the midst of a dark storm?

So why do I act fresh every other minute when things don’t go my way? Why does my lack of foresight and control still surprise and irk me so much, to the point where I start to question the One who I gave my life to to do with as He pleases?

Why do I claim to be okay with His omniscience, control and sovereignty but get angry each time He exercises it as He pleases. Why does my ignorance in comparison to His make me so unsatisfied, despite knowing that His thoughts and ways are far above mine? (Isaiah 55:8)

I’m coming to terms, albeit begrudgingly, with the fact that there are things that I will NEVER understand. That I won’t always be able to rationalise the tragedies of this world. That I many never know why bad things happen to good people.

But I do know that God is good. And that He is faithful and trustworthy. (Psalm 100:5) I’d be the first to admit that His faithfulness has withstood the test of time despite all the confusion and disappointment.

I know the God that I’ve chosen to serve, well at least I’m getting to know Him. The same way I would get to know someone I’m in a relationship with. And if I’m going to decide to commit and go the whole 9yards with Him, then I can’t pick and choose which aspects of Him I’m okay with. I have to be willing to love ALL of Him no matter how hard that may prove to be.

So even though I may be very confused sometimes when I hear a loved one tell me they PRAYED to God (like He asks us to) and still got attacked, or very frustrated when someone I know burns the midnight candle even more than I do and STILL doesn’t pass their exam or very angry that He gave me a sister just to take her away, I still choose to trust Him. I pray for divine grace to do so daily.

I chose to roll with this Guy whoever He is, regardless of the fact that I don’t know all things. And so I’m going to stick by my choice and tough it out even when it doesn’t seem to favour me. Because who I am when I’m with Him far exceeds who I was when I was without Him, and losing my ability to know and control EVERYTHING in surrenderance to Him is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

I’d rather live for God and find out that it was all a lie, than live for man/this world and find out that there was a God.

So help me God.

“Jesus replied to him, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but you will [fully] understand it later.””

‭‭JOHN‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭AMP‬‬